Cultural norms are what drive the interpersonal relationships and behaviors within any organization… the family, the church, the company and the government. The evidence on TV, in the newspapers and on the Internet verifies that a cultural war is raging in many of America’s homes, churches, companies and governmental agencies. I call it the war between Convicted Civility vs. Interpersonal Rancor. Winning this war on the side of civility is critical because civility is critical to gaining and maintaining our nation’s cultural harmony and interpersonal integrity. Interpersonal conflicts are leading to excessive rancor, personal politics, deceit and even fraud and murder! These conflicts are ripping apart whatever harmony remains in our American culture, in homes, in the workplace and among those who are supposed to be serving and governing us. Just do your own web searches on “family, church, company and governmental fraud” and you will find more problems to read about than your stomach can probably stand. Breakdowns in personal and operational integrity are costing Americans mental and emotional stress, interpersonal divisiveness, operational ineffectiveness and unnecessary financial losses and waste. However, there is hope. There is an interpersonal relationship concept that is providing a powerful focus for helping people better hear and respond to one another rather than alienate one another with rancorous and deceitful behavior. It is called Convicted Civility and all proactive leaders can help foster it!. Given the escalating polarization and divisiveness taking place across America, it is not surprising that few of us understand that a person can have, and live, deeply held values and engage in civil dialogue about community, national and world problems and opportunities. People who understand and embrace the principles of Convicted Civility can even venture into areas of great contention within their homes, churches and workplaces. It is not surprising that so few do, because in this day and age of polarized and rancorous public debate, there seems little willingness to achieve a principle-based middle ground or for manifesting interpersonal civility. To best describe the nature of the conversation between two or more people who dialogue with a heart and mind focused on the concept of Convicted Civility, consider these excerpts from the work of former Calvin College professor (and now Fuller Theological Seminary president) Richard Mouw in his call for "convicted civility." Mouw, in his book Uncommon Decency, quotes theologian Martin Marty: "One of the real problems in modern life is that the people who are good at being civil often lack strong convictions and people who have strong convictions often lack civility." Mouw says we need both a civil outlook and a "passionate intensity" about our convictions; thus, a "convicted civility." Mouw bemoans the fact that today "civility" is equated with being a pushover. "But," writes Mouw, "in the past civility was understood in much richer terms. To be civil was to genuinely care about the larger society. It required a heartfelt commitment to your fellow-citizens. It was a willingness to promote the well-being of people who were very different, including people who seriously disagreed with you on important matters. Civility wasn't merely an external show of politeness. It included an inner politeness as well" (pp.12-13). What would the “harmony quotient” within a home, church, business or governmental agency register if all persons within each of these social institutions intentionally encouraged one another to make the choice to foster convicted civility? Each person could have the option of engaging in spirited conversation, advocacy and persuasion rather than argument, rancorous debate, political manipulation or worse. Everyone in an intact group has the option to display Convicted Civility with the "inner politeness and patience" which enhances trust and builds more collaborative and cooperative relationships. People can intentionally compare others' best with their own best. They can intentionally be gentle when they dialogue about differences and help one another discern those differences clearly. They can surface and celebrate similarities in values and views. They can decide to not be quick to offend or be offended. The best way I’ve found to help an intact group of people intentionally enhance their abilities to display Convicted Civility is when they come to agreement on two things: A set of governing operating values; and, a mutual accountability process that helps all stakeholders consistently manifest those values as they relate to others and work with them. Here is a “bakers dozen” of a few governing operating values that have proven to foster trust, rapport and civility among intact groups of people. I urge you to make a resolution to intentionally foster Convicted Civility by modeling it and encouraging others to join you in doing so! To what degree, 1 low to 10 high, do you and the people you live and work with regularly express civility by… 1.Demonstrating Honesty by telling the truth and taking only what is rightfully theirs? 2.Demonstrating Patience when interacting with one another? 3.Expressing Kindness toward one another? 4.Demonstrating Graciousness in dealing with one another? 5.Serving one another with a Humble spirit? 6.Demonstrating Politeness in word and deed toward one another? 7.Expressing Calm Understanding in dealing with conflict between one another? 8.Showing delight in promoting Justice for everyone? 9.Reaching out to Forgive the mistakes and faults of one another? 10.Showing Trust in one another? 11.Demonstrating Hope when facing difficult situations? 12.Showing that they Expect The Best from one another? 13.Manifesting Good Will in word and deed toward one another? I urge you as a proactive leader and mom to do all you can to foster civility among your family members as well as among your business associates and customers. If you need help in mastering and implementing any of the skills and tactics mentioned above, I'm here for you! Please visit the Distance Call-A-Coach section of my web site for more information, and contact me if you have any questions.
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Dr. Millard MacAdam is a personal, professional and business enhancement coach, consultant, professional speaker and author. His firm is ProActive Leadership Consulting, Training & Coaching in Newport Beach, California. Order a FREE subscription to his monthly ProActive Leadership Advisory Tips E-Mail newsletter and discover sound and proven principles, practices, and tools that you can use to strengthen yourself and your business.